Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
