yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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