Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
