Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
