I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
