I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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