His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
