NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
