I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
As shirtless as possible
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
