I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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