but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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