Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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