My balls are so social today.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
