Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
