he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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