the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
