watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
