whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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