Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
