I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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