Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
