Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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