Where did you get a picture of my penis
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
there is glitter all over my balls
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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