There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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