Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
