highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
