There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize