They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
