My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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