Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
