I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
