I think my fart just growled at me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
