And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
