im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
