youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
