I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
