im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
