The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
