my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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