Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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