Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
