Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
