Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
