I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
