You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
