who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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