just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
