on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
