dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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