i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
im on a boat
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