the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
