god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i think i just lost a toe
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize