problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize