Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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