I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
