i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
