i may or may not be watching the land before time
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
