Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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