Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think im going to throw up on grandma
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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