how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
