he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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